This Love

"my jumper smells of you which is nice"

i was having a not-so-good time last night, as what was supposed to be (in my mind) “our” night, ended up with a lot of others.. inc minislut which he knew i was disapproving of. but he was really nice to me on the drive home, like touching my leg, scruffling my hair and neck, and said “shall we?” as i turned the car off unsure as to whether i was invited in or not. i was, obviously.. we chatted for a bit, amongst lots of kisses. and then one thing led to anohter but i’m worried about our r/ship.

in a very round a bout way he alluded to a relationship of gf and bf, but it was through a hypothetical bogan story about piercing eachother with teeth.. i read in to it.

and he said that it was nice that his jumper smelt of me. i like being there, that reminder… i hope he is reminded of me this coming week when there will be no emails, and no reception. it’s upsetting.

i really want a relationship with him. i just cant read him too well, and i seem to be just sooooooooo eager.

i hope that he thinks about me as much as i think about him.

xxx

fuck bro

I’ve started saying “bro”. i went through a phase of “man”. now it’s “bro”. it doesn’t really work when i’m not a guy. something that ed says.

ANYWAY. It’s been frikkin ages. Since then, the major things that have happened

Lots and lots and lots of sex

Lots and lots and lots of lingerie

Laser treatment - AWESOME. A little difficult to shave a couple days afterwards though bc the hairs are burnt and really coarse, but it took, from walking in to walking out 22 mins or something, and I must have only been getting it done for 7. In 2-3 weeks the hairs will start to fall out and I’ll be so silky silky right.

Freak out at doctor town. so i had some issues down there that looked uber suspicious, and i called around and ended up at this rando asian doctor who was like, yeh, it looks like an sti/std.. took some tests, i told ed. i freaked out. but in the end negative! one of my friends was like “if she’s not a garnocologist she doesn’t know”, and also told me not to tell ed every little detail (like everything the doctor said), which turns out to be the best advice ever. 
this has made me much more aware that I should be having more safe sex with people rather than being all trusting. ASK THE AWKWARD QUESTIONS IT’S WORTH IT.
Ed was so understanding, caring, and nice about it. Pre-sex he’s like “I really want to fuck you S, but I don’t want to hurt you”. CUTE! We practiced safe sex (as it was before the results) and it was alright, he was a little hesitant..

LOLZ. His brother was talking to a my friend Sam (boy) who’s really close to me and was like “yeh some nights i really want to sleep but she’s so loud”. Yep. That’s me. You don’t deserve sleep bc you’re a dickhead and just jealous coz you’re not getting any.

Ed is all really nice and emailing and only upsets me on very low levels when I get jealous or feel unappreciated.. but i STILL haven’t asked if we’re in a relationship proper yet. John is like, “S, you’re an idiot, just ASK”. But it’s too hard, what if he says no? What if to him it’s just a spring fling?

Anyway he’s going away for 5 days next week. I’m freaking out. What if he finds someone else. what if he gets really drunk and a naked girl walks up to him and it just happens (yep, lots of drinking and nudity at this little party thing). And I’m going to miss him! I won’t be getting emails, I’m scared of phone calls (and don’t want to look like a desperate wannabe gf), and i dont want to be texting him every time i think about him bc then i’ll look like a PSYCHO.

He’s so nice. And caring. and lovely. and gorgeous. Like, the other day I came online to skype and he called straight away (i freaked out bc it was a call but picked up anyway) and then he played me a song on guitar by Georgia Fair that he was learning and it was so nice, and so cute and he is so amazing and talented.

I can’t get enough of him. Sometimes I get worried bc there’s so much more interesting w him than me..

I also hope that he doesn’t view our relationship as being based on sex.. I mean we took it really slowly initially, and then BAM. Holidays and it was sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex. And I’m gonna see him tonight and wear new undies in anticipation of sexsexsex.

I am, however, a little bit sick but don’t want to tell him because I want kisses. Haha. And I’ll have sex without kisses but it’s just not as much fun.

Oh well.

I’m totally falling for him, is the moral of the story.

LOTS OF LOVE xxxx

my birthday

well yesterday was a great day, and so was today. yesterday, i had rowing coaching in the morning. all the little ones said happy birthday as did the coaches. Will is one of my favourite coaches and he has a bro who’s also pretty cool. Just fun to hang out with you know.

Then I headed off to uni to study, with Ed and Liz and a few others from that group. Two of my really good friends baked me muffins and cookies, yummy!

I got there early enough so that it was just Ed and myself, and he gave me some chocolates and a dvd/cd.. but I’m not allowed to open the disc until after exams.. so a whole week! I think it will be worth it though :) a little bit of self restraint.. he said “there could be nothing on it for all you know”, i giggles.. I kissed him and thanked him a lot and he is just so sweet.

Then that night I went to Britney Spears with Liz, she was definitely lipsyncing but an amazing performer. I’ve always been a Britney Believer so i was so happy to see her.

Then, I headed to Ed’s place. I got lost so ended up at the wrong train station so got a taxi. The taxi driver was very nice and philosophical.

When I got to Ed’s we briefly intercepted his bro, but then went into his room and chatted a bit. I was tired. But then we got to kissing, and slowly the clothes came off.. and then we .. well we were at it! And it was awesome. Yet to really play around with him though, right now, being the second time, it was really just going through the normal, average everyday movements.

We spooned and cuddled, me being big spoon a lot, but not minding. He just doesnt like having my hair in his face, that’s an easy one to fix! Anyway he kept turning around and grabbing me and kissing me playfully as I was drifting off to sleep. Very cute, then we got into it again a little bit - that was hot. and enjoyable. he’s a tease!

then we both fell asleep a little, but i got up to go to the bathroom (he helped me out the door bc it was difficult).. and then when i came back i hit the end of the bed really hard with my knee (which i only notice now is hurting), he totally!! freaked out haha. It was because he was falling asleep again and it was just that stage where you can freak out at little things and bc i hit the bed so hard he was like “what! oh my god, what. oh my god s are you ok? s, seriously, are you ok? oh s”.. “ed i’m fine! *kiss* aw you’re so cute, i’m fine really it was just my knee” “are you sure, doesnt it hurt?” “a little bit now, aww i’m sorry, you’re so sweet”.

And that was cute moment number 3.

Anyway the today we managed to escape the house without anybody being there, but his mum drove by as we were walking to the station.. and now i’m “elusive” haha. even though i was apparently ‘sleeping at a friends place down-the-street’..

Yeh so we studied at uni together, had a break, and left together. He had his arm around my waist at the train station and we snuck a few cheeky kisses.

I truly am falling for him. Quite hard. I hope he doesn’t suddenly turn into an asshole.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(and can not wait for the day when i don’t have to shave again. ugh! it’s gross)

eeeeeee!

yesss i have officially booked my hair removal thing. they said it takes 2-3 weeks for the hair to fall out, so i’m getting it done even EARLIER. the 30th of november yes! this month is going to be so good.

as soon as exams are over, which for me is the 20th.

i’ll see edward that night, no matter what.. and then probably the next night too..

and then on the wednesday i’m going to a foam party - best. ever. especially when you have somebody to get all affecitonate with. sooo, i’ll probably sleep the night at his place then.

THEN the next day, a quiet pool party with michael and probably ed.

THEN the following day is somebodies 21st and an end of exams party.

THEN i have a regatta and it’s party time that night (will probably end up at ed’s place again.. i plan to anyway).

Which brings it to the 30th, woo!.. then a couple days later ed and michael and just about everybody else in that group are going away for a week (that’s ok bc it will be “that time of the month” for me so, perfect timing!)..

then i have a frisbee tournament which goes over a weekend and it’s a lot of partying and playing (with ed and mike)..

and then 2 weeks later! (when i’ll be hair-free), i’m heading to tassie! and as SOON as I get back from tassie it will be ‘that time’ again. So I have got the next 2 months PERFECTLY planned.

with lots of opportunities to see ed.

he’s had exams the past few days and hasn’t been able to see me much at all which is disappointing.. but we email a lot, and we always have so much to say to eachother and I’m seeing him todayYAY! but that’s only if i get this work out of the way.

SO, that means i’m going to work now

love, xxx

been too long

oh i have my first follower! this is strange, somebody reading such intimate details of my life. but thats the beauty of ambiguity. hello jacqueline! i like that name too.

soooo, my boy at the moment - totally perfect in every way.

i just like the way he treats me.. kisses me on the forehead, kisses me when he sees me and kisses me to say goodbye.. we’re still taking is verryyy slowly - so people have only seen us hook up when we’re out and in drunk situations. but he’s a cutie.

and he is also partaking in mo-vember EW, this is my BIRTHDAY MONTH. gah. why must all the boys look gross.. even friend-boy, but he’s done something funky with his so it looks cool.

[[[ok  - to make things easier, and to get rid of all these name issues.. i’m going to make up faux names.

edward - current/spooner boy
michael - friend-boy
robert - canada boy
john - ex-boy ]]]

yeh so john and i are on ok terms, he’s asked some girl out on a date - random but i’m really happy about it! esp. coz i dont know her so no residual feelings/jealousy can get in the way.

robert is having fun over seas and we’re trying the very basic, largely polite friend emails at the moment.. after my intiial “we can’t keep up this quasi-relationship” blow. that hurt him… :( 
but i realise now, that i truly had much stronger feelings for john than i did robert. rob was just, like “wow decent guys do exist”-relationship.

i spent the night chatting with michael tonight. it’s been a while but it was so good. as we hadn’t really talked about any of rob, or edward or even john in a long time. and the we just chatted about society and the world and all sorts of different things. but i like talking to him, he’s easy to talk to. and i love him to pieces, honestly he’s such a good person to have in your life.

and finally ed. gorgeous, lovable. i’m totally falling for him much too fast. but i can’t help it. and i’m so happy right now i think i’d rather be over the moon at the moment and unhappy later if it all falls through than what i was feeling like before. he just makes me smile at uni, smile at work.  the quick, cheeky kisses are heaven.

also! i’m looking into laser hair removal.. i figure - im going to be looking after the problem of hair for the rest of my life - why not get rid of it permenantly now? one of my friends did it, and she swears by it.. i’m a little worried but also uber excited.. i’ll get it done, like a week before we go away camping all together, then won’t have to worry about trying to shave in the wild or anything! lol, i feel weird writing this now that someone else is going to read it :/

lots of love xxx

ps

also got a letter from canada boy and a tshirt.. very sweet, but i’m moving on and he was finding it difficult.. now it seems ok again. x

i want a kiss from my new boy.

just quickly

im slowly falling for my Spooning-Buddy. We’re kissing on a regular basis and touching eachother when we spoon. 
It was so cute, we slept over at a friend’s place the other day, and I got up at around 8am to quickly eat something and quiten my grumbling stomach, he was all asleep and content.. Then he reached his hand behind his back to try and find me, couldn’t, so rolled over to find me.. but i wasn’t there and then he fell back asleep.. All the while I was watching him and smiling and giggling. I immediately jumped back into bed and gave him a kiss.
Just not sure if he thinks this is heading into a relationship direction. I think, I THINK I may be ready.

still have a crush on Friend-Boy.

letting go of Canada-Boy.

and once a-fucking-gain the Ex-boy told me he has feelings for me. Initially I got myself caught up in it then realised that was silly because I’m HAPPY right now and I like where this r/ship with Spooning-boy is heading.

So there!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

(and one for my spooning buddy boy x)

21st

oops! there i go again, i put myself in a position where i’m exposed to the world and it gets out and i dont tell people and people get angry at me for not telling them. sigh.

so it was the intense spooning boys birthday party last night, and it was lots of fun, and all our friends were there, just not the boy i have a crush on - or his gf, for that matter.

so at the end of the night i ended up in spooning boys bed with a good friend of mine.

eventually spooning boy came in and was like “who the hell is in my bed?” and then joined in the 3 way spoon on a tiny bed… for the boy and i, the spooning was becoming intense again and he kissed me.. and then we kissed a little more and i was restraining.. and then my friend left the bed (i was trying to be quiet!).. and for the rest of the night this boy and i kept on kissing and kissing and arousing each other without crossing any boundaries etc etc.

it was fun, and he was cute, and nice, and sweet, and would kiss me hard. he lacked a bit of tongue though, and we ended up just licking each others faces (which reminds me of canada boy)..

negatives - he’s skinnier than me, a tiny boy ! (whats with me and the skinny ones! all bar Canada).. i dont want to look like the girl that goes around the group of friends.. i dont know what this means.. people are finding out and i havent told any of my friends and they WILL be pissed that I wont tell them stuff*… i felt a bit guilty as it was my first kiss since Canada, and Spooner asked why I didn’t kiss him the other night.. he said it was very confusing.. i wasnt going to tell him

BECAUSE I”M INFATUATED WITH YOUR FRIEND WHO HAS A GF
or anything about Canada, or about the minislut girl he had kinda been seeing.

regardless it was really comforting, but i’m not sure it was the right move..

the biggest regret is that i dont know what Crush is going to think of me.. At least he’ll know that I’ve moved on, and I can’t be NOT pursuing guys JUST IN CASE Crush decides to break up with his long-time gf and go out immediately with me. he’s still having sex with his gf and not doing anything wrong, i cant do this to myself.. it might be best just being friends anyway. even though i love him to pieces.

the second regret is feeling guilty towards Canada.. and he wrote me an email saying how much he missed me and we chatted on skype and i missed him too, but i feel that it’s better we both keep quiet about what happens when he’s away.. and i’m trying to stop him from talking about the future and the possibility of us.. it just puts me in a position where i feel trapped, and i dont want that.

so - what the hell do i do with this boy?? i like the comfort, i like the spooning and the giggling and the fun. i dont want it to turn toooo sexual.. but he is SO easy to turn on, i have so much power in this r/ship bc i can tease him etc.

i’m not sure that i’m really attracted to him though, i’m defs attracted to Crush, like no other boy before..

whatever, i’m so tired i’m rambling shit and whatever comes into my head. whatever.

lots of love xxx

ok

this is one of the last posts I’m going to write because I have to work, and work fucking hard if I want to go on exchange next year. which i desperately do.

in short, i went away for a week with some new friends, and i love them all, they’re great fun.

i have a mega crush on that same boy but it’ grown. he’s so nice and attractive and such a good person - BUT he has a girlfriend. and a long-term one at that. sigh.

secondly, everybody in that group touch each other in caring ways like ruffles your hair, lots of hugs (and i lovvve it). (which means i also get to touch the other boy w/o being inappropriate ^^ )
which explains the normality in the fact that I had an intensely awesome 2 hour spooning session with this other guy friend (but who i don’t want to be interested in bc he’s too close to the guy I am interested in), but we sooo would have hooked up had i allowed it… and we held hands when we were spooning, tight, pulled each other in - at one point we were facing each other and he was pulling me in by the back of my neck.. it was so good.. but i wanted the other boy more.. (who was spooning with someone else, sigh, not his gf, one of his old gfs but it’s cool..)..

it was still great, and i think i can expect another few free spoon sessions (and i also wouldnt get w him [even though he’s the only single boy in this group] because he’s been chasing some slut who reminds me of this other mega-slut)

so yeh, i adore the boy who’s taken.

i still miss canada boy but it’s fading, and it doesnt seem as likely that we are going to get back together again when he gets back, least not immediately. i’m drifting away a bit, which would be hard for him… we still email and say we miss eachother, but I’m losing that intense “i cant live without you” feeling.

ok, off to work.

lots of love.

xxx

ps, if i were to ever have a r/ship with the taken-boy, i’d have to make sure it would be for a fucking long time bc i don’t want him just for a month for him to go back to his current gf - i want him for a good long time. therefore - would it be better just staying friends? i just want to be around him all the time w/o seeming too eager.. i dont know.. i dont know..

ra ra ra I miss you

you're the greatest. here, have my heart.

(i’m gonna write that to him when he sends me a gift.. which i am assuming he will.. cute in’it?)

honesty

perfect boy = body of my canada-boy, facial features of friend-boy and hands of ex-boy.

i miss my boy so much though, as soon as he emails me, chats to me, talks to me, I fall straight back into his (virtual) arms. it’s when he doesn’t keep in contact that i make myself push away from him, because the torment is so unbearable i feel i just HAVE to let go.. but then he sends me something romantic and i’m back there again haha.

as for friend-boy, i saw him for about 2.73 minutes and i wasn’t really talking to him but staring at him thinking “you’re so hot and attractive my gawddd”

and finally update on ex-boy - he went to his ex’s formal last night and didnt get home till 6am. she was the one he cheated on with for me.. they’re friends, but a bit of me can’t help but wonder if they slept together (i don’t reckon)..

anyway, many kisses to canada.

xx

I always, always do this

I want what I can’t have.

I pursue what I can’t have.

I can’t have my boy in Canada. But then I can’t help but wonder, if he had stayed, would I have officially gone out with him? I whole-heartedly say “yes” I would, right now. But how many thousand kms is he away?

I can’t have the friend-boy because he’s taken. I seem to be getting mixed messages from him though, but, I think it’s really because he’s that type of guy, you know?

With all the boys, I want the ones that I don’t have to commit myself to.

I’m scared of commitment.

just on second thoughts

tonight I was really in the mood to hook up