This Love

been too long

oh i have my first follower! this is strange, somebody reading such intimate details of my life. but thats the beauty of ambiguity. hello jacqueline! i like that name too.

soooo, my boy at the moment - totally perfect in every way.

i just like the way he treats me.. kisses me on the forehead, kisses me when he sees me and kisses me to say goodbye.. we’re still taking is verryyy slowly - so people have only seen us hook up when we’re out and in drunk situations. but he’s a cutie.

and he is also partaking in mo-vember EW, this is my BIRTHDAY MONTH. gah. why must all the boys look gross.. even friend-boy, but he’s done something funky with his so it looks cool.

[[[ok  - to make things easier, and to get rid of all these name issues.. i’m going to make up faux names.

edward - current/spooner boy
michael - friend-boy
robert - canada boy
john - ex-boy ]]]

yeh so john and i are on ok terms, he’s asked some girl out on a date - random but i’m really happy about it! esp. coz i dont know her so no residual feelings/jealousy can get in the way.

robert is having fun over seas and we’re trying the very basic, largely polite friend emails at the moment.. after my intiial “we can’t keep up this quasi-relationship” blow. that hurt him… :( 
but i realise now, that i truly had much stronger feelings for john than i did robert. rob was just, like “wow decent guys do exist”-relationship.

i spent the night chatting with michael tonight. it’s been a while but it was so good. as we hadn’t really talked about any of rob, or edward or even john in a long time. and the we just chatted about society and the world and all sorts of different things. but i like talking to him, he’s easy to talk to. and i love him to pieces, honestly he’s such a good person to have in your life.

and finally ed. gorgeous, lovable. i’m totally falling for him much too fast. but i can’t help it. and i’m so happy right now i think i’d rather be over the moon at the moment and unhappy later if it all falls through than what i was feeling like before. he just makes me smile at uni, smile at work.  the quick, cheeky kisses are heaven.

also! i’m looking into laser hair removal.. i figure - im going to be looking after the problem of hair for the rest of my life - why not get rid of it permenantly now? one of my friends did it, and she swears by it.. i’m a little worried but also uber excited.. i’ll get it done, like a week before we go away camping all together, then won’t have to worry about trying to shave in the wild or anything! lol, i feel weird writing this now that someone else is going to read it :/

lots of love xxx

ps

also got a letter from canada boy and a tshirt.. very sweet, but i’m moving on and he was finding it difficult.. now it seems ok again. x

i want a kiss from my new boy.

just quickly

im slowly falling for my Spooning-Buddy. We’re kissing on a regular basis and touching eachother when we spoon. 
It was so cute, we slept over at a friend’s place the other day, and I got up at around 8am to quickly eat something and quiten my grumbling stomach, he was all asleep and content.. Then he reached his hand behind his back to try and find me, couldn’t, so rolled over to find me.. but i wasn’t there and then he fell back asleep.. All the while I was watching him and smiling and giggling. I immediately jumped back into bed and gave him a kiss.
Just not sure if he thinks this is heading into a relationship direction. I think, I THINK I may be ready.

still have a crush on Friend-Boy.

letting go of Canada-Boy.

and once a-fucking-gain the Ex-boy told me he has feelings for me. Initially I got myself caught up in it then realised that was silly because I’m HAPPY right now and I like where this r/ship with Spooning-boy is heading.

So there!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

(and one for my spooning buddy boy x)

21st

oops! there i go again, i put myself in a position where i’m exposed to the world and it gets out and i dont tell people and people get angry at me for not telling them. sigh.

so it was the intense spooning boys birthday party last night, and it was lots of fun, and all our friends were there, just not the boy i have a crush on - or his gf, for that matter.

so at the end of the night i ended up in spooning boys bed with a good friend of mine.

eventually spooning boy came in and was like “who the hell is in my bed?” and then joined in the 3 way spoon on a tiny bed… for the boy and i, the spooning was becoming intense again and he kissed me.. and then we kissed a little more and i was restraining.. and then my friend left the bed (i was trying to be quiet!).. and for the rest of the night this boy and i kept on kissing and kissing and arousing each other without crossing any boundaries etc etc.

it was fun, and he was cute, and nice, and sweet, and would kiss me hard. he lacked a bit of tongue though, and we ended up just licking each others faces (which reminds me of canada boy)..

negatives - he’s skinnier than me, a tiny boy ! (whats with me and the skinny ones! all bar Canada).. i dont want to look like the girl that goes around the group of friends.. i dont know what this means.. people are finding out and i havent told any of my friends and they WILL be pissed that I wont tell them stuff*… i felt a bit guilty as it was my first kiss since Canada, and Spooner asked why I didn’t kiss him the other night.. he said it was very confusing.. i wasnt going to tell him

BECAUSE I”M INFATUATED WITH YOUR FRIEND WHO HAS A GF
or anything about Canada, or about the minislut girl he had kinda been seeing.

regardless it was really comforting, but i’m not sure it was the right move..

the biggest regret is that i dont know what Crush is going to think of me.. At least he’ll know that I’ve moved on, and I can’t be NOT pursuing guys JUST IN CASE Crush decides to break up with his long-time gf and go out immediately with me. he’s still having sex with his gf and not doing anything wrong, i cant do this to myself.. it might be best just being friends anyway. even though i love him to pieces.

the second regret is feeling guilty towards Canada.. and he wrote me an email saying how much he missed me and we chatted on skype and i missed him too, but i feel that it’s better we both keep quiet about what happens when he’s away.. and i’m trying to stop him from talking about the future and the possibility of us.. it just puts me in a position where i feel trapped, and i dont want that.

so - what the hell do i do with this boy?? i like the comfort, i like the spooning and the giggling and the fun. i dont want it to turn toooo sexual.. but he is SO easy to turn on, i have so much power in this r/ship bc i can tease him etc.

i’m not sure that i’m really attracted to him though, i’m defs attracted to Crush, like no other boy before..

whatever, i’m so tired i’m rambling shit and whatever comes into my head. whatever.

lots of love xxx

ok

this is one of the last posts I’m going to write because I have to work, and work fucking hard if I want to go on exchange next year. which i desperately do.

in short, i went away for a week with some new friends, and i love them all, they’re great fun.

i have a mega crush on that same boy but it’ grown. he’s so nice and attractive and such a good person - BUT he has a girlfriend. and a long-term one at that. sigh.

secondly, everybody in that group touch each other in caring ways like ruffles your hair, lots of hugs (and i lovvve it). (which means i also get to touch the other boy w/o being inappropriate ^^ )
which explains the normality in the fact that I had an intensely awesome 2 hour spooning session with this other guy friend (but who i don’t want to be interested in bc he’s too close to the guy I am interested in), but we sooo would have hooked up had i allowed it… and we held hands when we were spooning, tight, pulled each other in - at one point we were facing each other and he was pulling me in by the back of my neck.. it was so good.. but i wanted the other boy more.. (who was spooning with someone else, sigh, not his gf, one of his old gfs but it’s cool..)..

it was still great, and i think i can expect another few free spoon sessions (and i also wouldnt get w him [even though he’s the only single boy in this group] because he’s been chasing some slut who reminds me of this other mega-slut)

so yeh, i adore the boy who’s taken.

i still miss canada boy but it’s fading, and it doesnt seem as likely that we are going to get back together again when he gets back, least not immediately. i’m drifting away a bit, which would be hard for him… we still email and say we miss eachother, but I’m losing that intense “i cant live without you” feeling.

ok, off to work.

lots of love.

xxx

ps, if i were to ever have a r/ship with the taken-boy, i’d have to make sure it would be for a fucking long time bc i don’t want him just for a month for him to go back to his current gf - i want him for a good long time. therefore - would it be better just staying friends? i just want to be around him all the time w/o seeming too eager.. i dont know.. i dont know..

ra ra ra I miss you

you're the greatest. here, have my heart.

(i’m gonna write that to him when he sends me a gift.. which i am assuming he will.. cute in’it?)

honesty

perfect boy = body of my canada-boy, facial features of friend-boy and hands of ex-boy.

i miss my boy so much though, as soon as he emails me, chats to me, talks to me, I fall straight back into his (virtual) arms. it’s when he doesn’t keep in contact that i make myself push away from him, because the torment is so unbearable i feel i just HAVE to let go.. but then he sends me something romantic and i’m back there again haha.

as for friend-boy, i saw him for about 2.73 minutes and i wasn’t really talking to him but staring at him thinking “you’re so hot and attractive my gawddd”

and finally update on ex-boy - he went to his ex’s formal last night and didnt get home till 6am. she was the one he cheated on with for me.. they’re friends, but a bit of me can’t help but wonder if they slept together (i don’t reckon)..

anyway, many kisses to canada.

xx

I always, always do this

I want what I can’t have.

I pursue what I can’t have.

I can’t have my boy in Canada. But then I can’t help but wonder, if he had stayed, would I have officially gone out with him? I whole-heartedly say “yes” I would, right now. But how many thousand kms is he away?

I can’t have the friend-boy because he’s taken. I seem to be getting mixed messages from him though, but, I think it’s really because he’s that type of guy, you know?

With all the boys, I want the ones that I don’t have to commit myself to.

I’m scared of commitment.

just on second thoughts

tonight I was really in the mood to hook up

Oh noes!

Just, FYI, I’m drunk right now.

And all tonight I was admiring one of my good friends. Craving him every time he touched me. Excruciatingly jealous because he has a girlfriend who he has been on and off with for the past 5 years and he is so good to her, and I hate it because I actually really like her.

I still sent my boy in Canada drunken emails via the good ol’ iphone, because I do miss him and would do anything for him to return so that I could love him and hug him, kiss him and for him to be mine.

But I am still attracted to this other boy. And my mother approves of him (lol). I’ll just wait it out. See how I feel towards Canada boy in a few months and see if anything has progressed in the way of this guy I’m attracted to. 
If anything did ever happen between me and friend-boy, providing his girlfriend became an ex.. I’d be worried that he’d cheat on me with her, which he had done a couple years ago in the time that they had broken up. He said he wouldn’t cheat again, but I’d definitely be tempted to say he might. From everything I know about him though, he’s on par with my boy in decency. A good catch, and I know that and am not being naive about it (as I was with the initial silly boy of 2009).

Anyway, it’s all in time. Waiting is what I should be good at these days.

I miss my Canada boy though, a lot. And hate happy couples.

today is day 7

and thankfully he emailed yesterday.. and it was so cute, he’d be writing something then randomly say “i miss you” then keep going and say it again.

i let him know how horrible the last week was though, i mean thats 33% of the time he’s been gone!

i wrote him a 1000 word reply haha i’m a freak.

i miss him and still dont know how to function without him..

ugh! i’ve also put on 2kg of weight in the past couple of weeks - i think that its a combination of lazyness and eating REALLY badly. So this must change.

here's the thing

I HATE YOUR FUCKING PHOTOS BECAUSE YOU LOOK SO FUCKING GOOD AND I CAN’T GO ON FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT YOU IF YOU DON’T KEEP IN CONTACT.

Today is day 6. If he lets it go a week I’ve decided I can’t torment myself anymore.

The thing is, as soon as I decide to get over him he will do something romantic, or simply nice, which will drag me right back to the start again. Like send me gifts, letters, write our initials in a love heart in a public space (of which he did).

I want to send my letter now and get it over and done with. As soon as I send it, it will be the last thing that truly lets him know how much I care for him, how much I miss him.

i can't hold on if there's nothing to hold on to.

but i’m desperate not to let go.

it’s been 5 days without an email. i’m truly devastated.